So the other night, my roommate and I were getting ready to go to sleep, and as we were lying in bed (different beds of course) we started talking about Larry Bird. After it was determined that Larry Bird is without a doubt the greatest man of the last 500 million years because of the fact that he lives inside of a tornado and rode down to earth on the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs, we started talking about if we could train animals what kind of animals we would choose. It quickly got bent out of reality and fantasy took over our conversation.
Anyways, here is a list of the greatest possible pets of all time:
- The winged Aslan that breaths melting light out of its mouth, but only when he wants too. He is a lion that stands 8 feet tall when on all fours, and has giant eagle wings coming out of his back. He doesn’t mind at all if I ride him around, and when he speaks world peace is achieved until he stops. And he has a sweet tattoo.
- The next animal is Bearodactyl. She’s a 15 foot tall bear who is also half pterodactyl. While she may seem scary, she is actually quite a loving mother. She has a whole bunch of Bearodactyl cubs, that ended up being all different types of bear, whether it be grizzly, panda, or Bayer joint relaxing cream, and loves them all without regard for human life. One can ride Bearodactyl around, but only if she likes you, otherwise she’ll just eat you. She’s a tactical military genius and breath’s fire
- The next animal is U2, not the band, but the upright standing, philosophy professing, crocodile. He wears distinguished glasses, speaks in a British accent, and is almost constantly smoking a pipe, but his lung capacity is still without equal on earth because he can hold his breath for 100 years. He’s usually naked, because well…he’s a crocodile, but wears a towel when he comes out of the shower just to be polite.
- Last, and probably least, is Roger the Syrup Monster. All he is is a giant mass of syrup with human lips, and the ability to shoot lasers out of his eyes, which no one really knows where his eyes are, but he can shoot lasers out of them anyways. Roger has the ability to poop buttered waffles, and when you add some of the syrup that naturally comes off of him, becomes a delightfully tasty treat. Roger however, is not at all intelligent, and constantly makes fun of baby Koala Bearodactyl just ‘cause a Koala bear is not even like a real bear. He also loves to wrestle and spends the majority of his time hiding places so that he can jump out and surprise wrestle Bearodactyl, which Bearodactyl doesn’t like because it gets her covered in sticky syrup. These actions get Roger sent outside all the time, but we still let him come inside for family movie night.
So there it is, if you were ever wondering what the best animals are, you now have the perfect list.
Oh, and Larry Bird lives with us too, but we make him leave his tornado outside.
